Toyplayer's Pirate Election

Cast
Grey Patch . . . . . . . . . . . Mrs. Weirsdo
One-Eyed Sam . . . . . . . . Mrs. Weirsdo
Brown Beard . . . . . . . . . . Toyplayer
Peg-Leg John . . . . . . . . . Dr. Weirsdo
William Roberts . . . . . . . Toyplayer
Henry Hook . . . . . . . . . . Dr. Weirsdo
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Scene 1. The deck of a pirate ship, with raised areas at either end of the stage. The area at stage left is higher than the one at stage right; the captain's cabin is underneath, with a door leading to the stage. On top is the wheel for steering the ship. Steps go up to both raised areas. Peg-Leg John is steering. Grey Patch and One-Eyed Sam are sitting and talking.

Grey Patch: I will nominate William Roberts for captain.
One-Eyed Sam: I don't think so. Roberts doesn't have enough experience. He will be killed in the first month.
Grey Patch: I think Roberts is clever enough to keep out of trouble.
One-Eyed Sam: I still think he is too young. I think I'll nominate Henry Hook.
(Brown Beard climbs out of the hatch and tumbles into Grey Patch and One-Eyed Sam. They fall backwards.)

Grey Patch: Can't you go anywhere without knocking into someone?
One-Eyed Sam (raising his sword to cut down Brown Beard): He'll learn a lesson!
Grey Patch (grabbing Sam's arm): No!
(All three exit, arguing as they open the hatch. Brown Beard trips and knocks them down the ladder.)

(Henry Hook enters from the captain's cabin. He walks up the stairs to talk to Peg-Leg John.)

Henry Hook: Where are we going?
Peg-Leg John (consulting his compass): Due northwest. To Port Royal.

Scene 2: Same, six days later. The election.

Peg-Leg John (muttering to himself): We will be at Port Royal in three days. This election better be over in two.
(While he is talking the pirates climb out through the hatch. Brown Beard climbs out last and tumbles into the other pirates. They fall llike dominoes into the stairs. Peg-Leg John comes down the stairs, and William Roberts and Henry Hook go up.)

William Roberts: Gentlemen!
(The pirates stop cursing Brown Beard and waving their weapons and sit down.)
William Roberts: If you vote for me I will improve your lives. If I become captain everyone will get an equal share, including myself.
(Grey Patch cheers.)
One-Eyed Sam: He's ly--
(Brown Beard, who is waving his arm, accidentally hits One-Eyed Sam in the head, knocking him into another pirate.)

William Roberts: Gentlemen! It's Henry Hook's turn.
(The pirates quiet down.)
Henry Hook (looking around): Where are those damn papers?
William Roberts: Brown Beard must have smashed into the table where your speech was and knocked everything into the sea.
Grey Patch (aside): That's not true. I saw William steal them. But that's an example of his cunning.
Henry Hook (giving up his search): That damn man. Maroon him!
William Roberts: Brown Beard didn't mean anything. He doesn't deserve to be marooned!
One-Eyed Sam: He does too--

One-Eyed Sam: He deserves to be marooned (etc. . . ).
Brown Beard (waving his arms and talking at the same time as One-Eyed Sam): Roberts is right! I don't deserve to be marooned!
(He hits One-Eyed Sam in the head again, interrupting him.)

Peg-Leg John (voice over pantomime): And so William Roberts was elected. He kept his promise to give everyone an equal share. And even though Brown Beard tripped while he was shaking William Roberts' hand and knocked him overboard, the new captain pardoned him.

(Brown Beard is heard apologizing in background.)
Weirsdo's definition: Election: Social ritual combining missteps, fuddled memory, and chicanery in equal parts.