The Court Stenographer

Story #48, In which justice is served.

Oyez! Oyez!
















Transcript follows

This week in The Prattler, Needless Things

Pansi's G-String

Our friend Logo sent Pansi a letter ("G"), with instructions to write about ten words that started with "G." Pansi is not much of a wordsmith, but Mrs. Weirsdo encouraged her and Diamonelle helped,

Diamonelle
Originally uploaded by weirsdo.

and here are the results:

The print version is here.
We hope Mall Diva will let Pansi participate in the library story hour again, and we applaud Doug (AKA P-Doggy) for purveying her talents in this space.

Weirsdo's definition: wordsmith (n.): The smith a mighty person she,
With large and sinewy brain
With the muscles of her scrawny arms
She hurls down words like rain.

Her brow is wet with nervous sweat,
She seldom cooks a meal,
She looks her husband in his face
And says, "You make the veal."

Day in, day out, from noon till night,
You can hear her clicking keys,
Like rats' feet on a sinking ship
Despite her children's pleas.

Thanks, thanks to thee, O worthy smith
For the lessons thou hast taught!
That on the glowing screen of life
Our Fortune is our Thought.

The Program

A contribution by Kyahgirl.


To hear the story encourage Laura/Kyahgirl.











To read the story, salute Laura's friend Nancy.

La Chienne Chanteuse

Story #47 (yeah, yeah, Sar,) because if you want to call a tune, you got to pay the piper.

To hear the story, rosin up the fiddle


To read the story, walk the dog




This week in The Prattler, The Liberal Memorial suggested by this post on Wonderland or Not.

The Ballad of Jane Henry

Story #46, the urchin and the steam drill.

To hear the story, listen to the storyteller.
















To read the story, fire up the steam drill

This week in The Prattler, The Richest Lode.

Up On The Ridge

Story #45, In which Doug climbs up a mountain and comes down a cloud.

To hear the story, listen to the voice of the desert calling you up the ridge from Deep Springs Valley.





To read the story, come over to Eureka Valley

This week in The Prattler, Lazarus and Dives go to Washington.

Goldilocks Grows Up

Story #44, A where-are-they-now retrospective.

To hear the story, spin the record.









To read the story, poke the bears.

This week in The Prattler, "The Protection Racket".


Happy Mother's Day, as applicable

Northwestern Ecclesiastes

The forty-third story, In which a preacher tends the Ninevah of the Northwest

Come listen to a preacher.










To read the word, click on the page.

The Ice Queen

#42, Aw, who am I kidding?

To hear The Ice Queen, approach her hiding place.












To read The Ice Queen, click on Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, who must be spinning in his grave about now.

This week in The Prattler, "Alloyed Praise for George W." and a political cartoon depicting Grover Cleveland.

Ida, Redeemer

Story #41, a true tale but otherwise more or less the DaVinci Code in which Doug uncovers a Church's secrets.

To hear the word, enter Atlanta's Lutheran Church of The Redeemer





To read the word, come to the library.

This week in The Prattler, "Absent and Unaccounted For". I've arranged with Periodyssey Press, publisher of The San Francisco Wasp: An Illustrated History, to use cartoons from The Wasp, a weekly where Ambrose Bierce was columnist and editor-in-chief in the 1880s.

The Case of The Missing Ivory

Story #40, in which Marlowe meets a maiden.

To hear the story, Bogart the cigarette











To read the story, click with the box set.






This week in The Prattler, "The Party Line."

A Roman Peace

Story #39, in which Rome learns a new way.

To hear the story, enter the Colosseum








To read the story, salute those who are about to die.

This weeks column is up on Prattle.

Waking Ambrose

Story #38, how it all began.


To hear the story, say howdy to Doug







To read the story, salute Señor Bierce.

HEADLINE: IDENTITY CRISIS DEEPENS
Santa Clarita, California April 1, 2006
A lonely blogger in this dusty desert hamlet of 150,000 souls added a weekly column to Prattle, to be written on contemporary issues in an imitation of Ambrose Bierce's sinister style. Doug Pascover has spent the last of the best years of his life imitating Bierce's lexicography but reports feelings of guilt and inadequacy after reading on the website of The Ambrose Bierce Appreciation Society that he had revived Bierce's column, Prattle, when he knew he had only plagiarized the title. The introductory column can be found on Prattle on the page listed as "The Prattler." Future columns are intended to appear on Saturday, the day The Wasp, the weekly for which Bierce's column appeared in the 1880s and 90s was published. Mr. Pascover's dogs, Willie and Walela ask that you pray for his self-recollection.

Fire and Ice, Part V

Story #37, the fifth and final chapter in a 2-part true story

To hear the story, pay homage to Pepsi







To read the story, follow me through the jungle.

And a couple of confessions: First, on further reflection I believe this was the summer of 1993, not 1992. Second, looking at a map, I think the Volcanoes were named Fire and Water, not Fire and Ice. So sue me.

Fire and Ice, Part IV

Story #36, in which Doug finds trouble below the treeline.

To hear the story, fish Lake Atitlán






To read the story, sacrifice a virgin at Tikal.

Fire and Ice, Part III

Story #35, in which Doug descends.


To hear the story, put out the fire.


To read the story, receive the king of the hill.

Fire and Ice, Part II

Story #34, in which Doug discovers the cabin's secret.

To hear the story, come to the cabin

To read the story, click the volcanoish thingy

Fire & Ice, Part I

Story #33, in which we return to find Doug on his way up.

To hear the story, listen from the belfry.







To read the story, click the map.

The Faceless Knight

Here is a story by Toyplayer, as read by Mall Diva.

To read a fully illustrated print version, click here and scroll down.
Weirsdo's definition: faceless (adj.): Inhuman. In a bad way.

Fred and Frank: A Sad Tale

Here's another story from Mall Diva. Click on the audiopost to hear the sad story of Fred and Frank.

Here is the print version:
Once upon a time, in a land far away, lived two brothers. The first brother's name was Frank, and the youngest brother's name was Fred.
Fred and Frank loved everything in the world. They cried if they even saw a wasp that had been killed by some mean person who squirted it with wasp spray. They cried when they saw a smushed flea, if one of their guests smushed a flea. They cried if one of their guests smushed a cockroach.
They loved everything. Everything and everything. Their house was full of animals. Cockroaches, fleas, and every other kind of animal. They loved little animals especially: cockroaches, fleas, and ticks. Of course, they got a lot of bites, and their guests didn't like it very much, but they were happy.
One day, they went out into the heart of the forest, and they saw a dragon. And they thought it was dead! And they began to cry. And their cries were so loud . . . that the dragon awoke--and burned them up [cries and dragon sounds].
And that was how Fred and Frank died.
The end.
Weirsdo's definition: pest (n.): Whatever gets under the skin of the beholder.

Here's How: Sniff!

Click on the White Album to hear a story from Indeterminacy.

Autumn Leaves

Story #32, in which a little girl sees family.

To hear the story follow the trail.




















To read the story, come to the cottage.

Over The Bridge

Story #31, in which we a woman learns that Angels aren't just a literary device.

To hear tell, come to Bedford Falls








To read the story, cross the bridge.

From the Cavern

#30

To hear the story capture the Wizard.










To read the story, follow directions

Pansi's Liberry Tradgedy

Print version:
Mall Diva: Welcome, children, to Story Time. And today we're going to have a couple of stories. The FIRST story is going to be--
Pansi: Will boooks be involved?
Mall Diva: That is Pansi. She's going to read our first story.
Pansi: Read?
Mall Diva: No. She's going to TELL us our first story.
Pansi (relieved): Oh, good.
Mall Diva: Now. Pansi--well, could you please tell the children something?
Pansi: O. k. How 'bout if I tell them about the time when Dicky was homeschooling Blop and Blurp? It's real sad.
Toyplayer: That's fine, Pansi.
Mall Diva: And that was Toyplayer; he's going to talk to you in a second. All right, Pansi, why don't you just go right ahead?
Pansi: O. k., well Dicky had come home from a drinking establishment, and he was--
(Mall Diva gasps multisyllabically.)
(Pause)
Pansi: Are--are you nauseous?
Mall Diva: Please! That's enough. Good-bye! Our next story--
Pansi: Good BYE!! I am a Superstar. Excuse me, but you can't treat me like this--
Toyplayer (interrupting excitedly): (Incoherent, then--) Naked Gymnastics for JESUS!
Pansi (Mall Diva still gasping in background): I can't work with these PEOPLE!

Weirsdo's definition: Library (n.): Site entrusted with maintaining communal wellbeing through censorship.