Pansi's Liberry Tradgedy

Print version:
Mall Diva: Welcome, children, to Story Time. And today we're going to have a couple of stories. The FIRST story is going to be--
Pansi: Will boooks be involved?
Mall Diva: That is Pansi. She's going to read our first story.
Pansi: Read?
Mall Diva: No. She's going to TELL us our first story.
Pansi (relieved): Oh, good.
Mall Diva: Now. Pansi--well, could you please tell the children something?
Pansi: O. k. How 'bout if I tell them about the time when Dicky was homeschooling Blop and Blurp? It's real sad.
Toyplayer: That's fine, Pansi.
Mall Diva: And that was Toyplayer; he's going to talk to you in a second. All right, Pansi, why don't you just go right ahead?
Pansi: O. k., well Dicky had come home from a drinking establishment, and he was--
(Mall Diva gasps multisyllabically.)
(Pause)
Pansi: Are--are you nauseous?
Mall Diva: Please! That's enough. Good-bye! Our next story--
Pansi: Good BYE!! I am a Superstar. Excuse me, but you can't treat me like this--
Toyplayer (interrupting excitedly): (Incoherent, then--) Naked Gymnastics for JESUS!
Pansi (Mall Diva still gasping in background): I can't work with these PEOPLE!

Weirsdo's definition: Library (n.): Site entrusted with maintaining communal wellbeing through censorship.

Love, American Style

Story #29, in which we return to find Doug an exchange student in Germany.

To hear the story, find a bar and order a Veltin's.








To read the story, stagger down Biegenstraße.







Click below for a slide show from Marburg (2005)

A Knights' Tale

As improvised and performed by Mall Diva, with help from Toyplayer.

Here is the print version:
In an ancient land, far, far away from any land we know, there lived two knights: Knight Arabesqua, and Knight John. Knight John was a small, little man, and Knight Arabesqua was a tall, strong man.
One day they met, and Arabesqua said to Knight John, "You are the shortest dwarf I ever saw!"
And Knight John did NOT laugh; instead, they began fighting. . . . Until--the dragon came.
(Groans.) Those were the sounds of the cries as they died.
And so, what is the moral of this story? It is, of course, "Do not fight, because then you won't know when dragons are coming along."

Weirsdo's definition: Dragon (n.): Cooler of heated disputes.

Crossroads

Story #28, in which the Devil seeks his due.

To hear the story, ask Robert Johnson for directions.










To read the story, come to the crossroads.

Photo courtesy of Anton Shevchenko. Thanks, Anton.

Tom Waits Calls a Cab

Story #27, in which the straight and narrow path is no way at all.

To hear the story, tip your hat to Tom Waits.










Read all about it! Hail the cab!

The Tale of Willie Bear

Click on Willie to hear Semisweet1 Read his poem, The Legend of Willie Bear.



Or, click Here to read it.

1001 Points of Light

Story #26 A tale of progress from Iran.

To hear the story, click on Scheherezade. (Right)










To read the story, click on Ali Baba. (Left)

New Year's with Friends

Story #25 (Lordy, what an ego!,) or, A Night of Wine and Roses. In which Doug rings in a new year and learns the importance of old friends and new.

To hear the story, click on the Rose Bowl banner.











To read the story, point to the Soggy Bottom Boys.

Happy, healthy and prosperous New Year to you all.

King Tom

To hear Tom's debut in film criticicism, answer the ad.

The Lost Holiday

Story #24, A Christmas story taking place on New Year's Eve.

To hear the story, wake up Santa. To read it, talk to the old man.

Sleigh The Course

Or, Of Ice and Men. Story #23, in which three magi survive a Pennsylvania blizzard only to confront the rigid social norms of New Jersey.*

To hear the story, ask Santa for directions.












To read the story, check Santa's list.

*Preceding telic clause dedicated to Monika.

Before The Fall

Story #22, in which an evangelist offers his pitch for the bosom of Abraham.

To hear the story, interrupt the wedding before someone makes a big mistake.











To read the appropriate passage, simply instruct my sister (right).

Who Framed Rabbit, Rabbit

Story #21, in which Doug doubles trouble

To hear the story, play Shave and a Haircut for Roger.







To read the story, click on Tupac Amaru, inspiration of the Sendero Luminoso revolution.

Joon: Child Star

Here is Joon's audiobiography:

Click here for a print version (print version lacks Joon's complaints, commentary on Diamonelle, and hamster info).
Weirsdo's definition: Hamsters, n. (pl.): Sex and violence for the kids.

Command Performance

Story #20, in which Doug humbly offers a little story upon the request of the Pez sisters and Pia.

To hear Doug's humble offering, click on Pavarotti.
To read Doug's literary submission, stop the queen from killing her poor and noble servant.

Heart of Aubern: The Story of Aubvey

Aubvey's audiobiography:
Prologue:

Heart of Aubern: The Story of Aubvey
For a print version, click here. (Print version lacks congratulations to Tigers and cheering.)

Weirsdo's definition: Fan: n. Socially acceptable victim of severe bipolar and obsessive-compulsive disorders.

Lobsterlela's Tragic Past

Click the audiopost to hear Lobsterlela's sad tale. Click here for a print version.

Weirsdo's definition: Funeral: Ceremony in which one person awakens from the nightmare of history, and the rest reconstruct it as a good dream.

Razor

Story #19, in which a country girl expresses herself.

To hear a farmhand's story you usually only have to ask (below)

To read, hop up on the John Deere 5220, as used in the actual story.

April: Friend of the Earth

Here is April's audiobiography. Click here for a print version.

Weirsdo's definition: Care: n. Friendly interference.

Turning Towards the Light: The Story of Brittney

Click here for a print version (print version does not contain postscript).
Weirsdo's definitions: Prayer: n. Totting up blessings and requesting additions.
Curse: n. Request for divine subtraction.